Before you start reading…
In this essay I mention the topic of (male) suicide. If you are contemplating suicide, please contact the institutions that can help you in your country.
Here you can find a list of phone numbers and initiatives that you can reach out to in many countries. You can also find the suicide hotlines of your country quite easily through a Google search.
Thank you for reading this essay.
Introduction
I was quite shocked when I learned about the statistic that men in the U.S. and Europe make up about 80% of all suicides. It made me wonder why, and what might be done to lower the number of male suicides.
However, it must be said that women attempt suicide more often than men. Luckily, identity politics is not a zero-sum game, and the fact that this Substack focuses on men, and therefore, male suicide and mental health in no way means that the issue for women is, or should be treated as, less important.
In this essay I will discuss some numbers with you first. I will then discuss the broader issue of men’s mental health, since that is a fundamental issue in the problem of suicide. After this, I will try to answer the question of what we might do to lower the number of suicides, and improve men’s mental health.
Statistics About Mental Health & Suicide
The Anxiety & Depression Association of America found that,
“Although mental illnesses are more prevalent in women than in men, men suffering from mental illnesses are less likely to receive mental health treatment or diagnosis.”
They point to the stigma about men speaking out about their feelings as a reason for this. They claim 1 out of 10 men deal with anxiety and/or depression, but less than half receive treatment for it.
Men are more likely to exhibit escapist behavior, such as using drugs or alcohol as coping mechanisms instead of talking about their problems. A survey of 1,000 men in the UK showed that 40% never talked about their mental health to anyone. The same survey shows that men are likely to worry about work, finances and health.
Among the reasons that men gave for not talking about their mental health were:
“I’ve learned to deal with it” (40%)
“I don’t wish to burden anyone” (36%)
I don’t want to admit I need support” (17%)
The CDC published a report about suicide in 2020 in the U.S. This report shows that the male suicide rate is four times higher than for women.
This report also shows that for every suicide, there are 275 men who have seriously considered suicide. This means that a rise in the number of suicides also means a large rise in the number of men who face (serious) mental problems.
In Europe, men also account for about 80% of all suicides. A video of Men’s Health UK claimed that suicide is the leading cause of death for men under 50 years old.
The 2014 report by the World Health Organization titled “Preventing Suicide: A Global Imperative” outlined that the gender gap in suicide is much bigger in developed countries. In rich countries the ratio is about 3.5 men to every woman. In developing nations this number drops to 1.5.
Possible Reasons For Higher Male Suicide
I obviously don’t have all the answers concerning the reasons for problems with male mental health and male suicide. However, there are some things that might cause men to get into mental trouble, and for some to turn towards more drastic behaviours of self-harm and suicide.
“Be A Man”
I am not against the idea that men could be strong and calm in certain situations. There is a high degree of nobility in carrying a burden at times where it is necessary. Think, for example, about the firefighters who carry people from burning buildings. Or the police officers who take out school shooters.
However, there must be moments when men can unload the burden. Times where they speak about their feelings about the difficulties they encounter. They can work through them in that way. If not, they will bottle them up.
I will give you an example from my own life. When I was 16 years old me and my parents were involved in a rather serious accident. As pedestrians, the three of us were hit by a car. Because I saw the car coming, I braced for impact and had no injury. My parents were less lucky.
It is quite a thing to get hit by 1200 kilos of steel going at 40km/h, to fly 8 meters through the air and, seconds later, find your dad unconscious in the streets, and your mother out of sight. But, alas, no time to waste. Panicking is not useful. Acting is. And so you try your best to communicate with ambulance personnel about your parents and when you are at home you take the burden of caring for them. (everyone fully recovered by the way).
All this was good and necessary. In some sense, I was pleased I didn’t crumble in the face of severe difficulty. However, looking back at this now, being 25 years old, I see how I bottled up certain emotions. I didn’t really speak to anyone about it.
It was only recently when I spoke about this with a good friend that I found some recognition of the emotional impact of the occurrence. He replied, “that’s pretty fucked up.”
No, “man up”, or, “that’s what you’re supposed to do”, or, “get over it.” Just the simple appreciation for the fact that the situation was fucked up.
There are many men out there who have experienced horrible things. Those things can make you stronger, but more so if you can share your feelings about it. If not, they have the power to eat you up from the inside.
Not Understanding What You’re Feeling
I watched the video “Uncovering the Deep Dark Truth Behind the Rising Male Suicide Rate” by the YouTube channel Talks Over Coffee. I heard the following,
“One of the things that we lack is self-awareness when it comes to emotional intelligence. And that’s like processing our own emotions, managing our own emotions.”
For men, it can be very difficult to understand themselves because they are sometimes blind to their emotional world. But it does affect them. Therefore, they are constantly being kicked in the face by this force they cannot understand, but that is screaming at them in order to be seen.
I remember my first therapy session. I was faced with a hippie-like woman. She talked about being in touch with your feelings. I thought she was nuts.
But she turned out to be right. I was all brain and no feelings. Rationality ruled me, as if I were some programmed robot, and feelings that did not comply with my brain were swept under the rug. Until the rug became too small.
I don’t know why many men lack this awareness of their emotions. Maybe it is because they are taught not to cry as very young children. Maybe they learn there is no place for negative emotions in their lives. Whatever the reason, many of them seem incompetent at it.
It would be wise for men to learn, and for young men to be taught, to exist peacefully with the entire range of emotions that they can feel. If not, their emotions become like invisible fists that punch them for reasons they cannot understand.
Loneliness
In the video “Faces Of Attempted Suicide” men who have attempted suicide share their story. A commonality in all of them is being or feeling lonely.
One man, James, was suffering from depression. He said
“I felt incredibly isolated, and depression is quite a self-isolating thing anyway. So leading up to it, [the suicide attempt] I felt alone and with no way of fixing that.”
Another man, Leon, a talented soccer player who had to stop playing due to injuries, said,
“My own issues came from my sister taking her life at the time that she did. And I played the following Saturday and didn’t really deal with it properly. Didn’t have any counseling, didn’t see anyone, didn’t talk about it to anyone. Just tried to get on with it.”
Male loneliness has hit high levels. Only 21% of men say they received emotional support from a friend within the past week. Just 25% of men said “I love you” to a friend recently, as opposed to 49% of women. (I will take some responsibility here as I usually respond “that’s gay” to a friend saying “I love you”. I’ll try to be better :).
Lukas Dhont, director of the film “Close”, says
"We live in this society that tells young men that there are things we validate more than tenderness and vulnerability … We teach young men to stop caring for authentic connections and (be) more distant with emotions. It's an incredibly brutal thing."
In the article, “Making Friends as a Man Is Hard”, Jon Patrick Hatcher talks about how difficult it is to forge male friendships as you get older. But he also writes,
“...once I open the "vulnerability kimono" and mention how tough it is to befriend other guys, they universally agree. In fact, I’ve yet to encounter another man who doesn’t struggle with it.”
It is a sign of hope to see that many men recognize the issue, and respond positively when other men take the first step in opening up and sharing their issues.
“Toxic Masculinity”
While I do agree that human beings, including men, can behave in toxic ways, it is not okay to throw some ill-defined concept at any male behavior that you disagree with.
Men do better when they feel competent and powerful. Their mental health gets better when using a strengths-based-approach. And when you think competent and powerful men are dangerous, you are right. But incompetent and weak men are far more dangerous.
Trying to become competent and powerful is a worthy pursuit for men. I know from my own experience that, for example, lifting heavy stuff is great. My neighbor is probably worried for my psychological well-being because of the noises I produce when benching and squatting, but my psychological well-being is never better than in those moments.
When men might be struck down by concepts as “toxic masculinity” or “patriarchy” when they try to establish themselves as competent beings, it is likely to have an effect on their mental health. For we are basically telling them that who they are is problematic. That’s a tough thing to hear.
Silence About Male Suicide
In a recent Substack post by Richard Reeves, author of the book Of Boys And Men, he notes that the media is rather silent about the topic of male suicide. Also, the CDC presents the data without mentioning the fact that males are overrepresented in these numbers.
He writes about a conversation he had with a men’s rights activist,
“I was having an argument with a men’s rights activist the other day. And he said, look, they don’t care about male suicide. I said, what are you talking about? Of course, they — first of all, who’s they? And what do you mean? He said he means — I mean the C.D.C. I mean the White House. I mean the government. They don’t care about male suicide. I said, yes they do. Why do you say that? He sent me a link. And the link was to the C.D.C. page on suicide disparities. He said, where does it talk about men? And he’s right. It doesn’t. It talks about all kinds of other disparities — by race, LGBTQ, rural, urban, veteran, et cetera. But there isn’t a subsection on men. It doesn’t just straightforwardly address the fact that there’s a massive, massive gender gap in suicide.”
Reeves shows that, when talking about disparities in suicide, the CDC indeed does not report about the gender disparity. Nor does the CDC mention anything about boys or men in their page on “Facts About Suicide”
I don’t know why the CDC and media would choose not to give much attention to this issue. Perhaps modern-day identity politics is seen as a zero-sum game. Maybe people believe that when you give men attention, you take it away from other identity groups. Seeing how men are seen as the identity group with the upper hand - especially white men - it would make sense for people who believe the “zero-sum theory” to simply not mention the issues of men.
However, I did find that the CDC mentions the problem of male overrepresentation in their online report called “Suicide Data And Statistics” There they say that,
“The suicide rate among males in 2020 was 4 times higher than the rate among females. Males make up 49% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides.”
It is great to see that the CDC now also shows this issue in their data, because that will lead to greater awareness of the issue with health-care professionals who can help these men, and the media who can inform the public about it.
I did also find some media coverage of male mental health. The New York Post recently published an article about men needing a different approach to therapy than women. The New York Times asked the question “How To Get More Men To Try Therapy”, and the the Washington Post wrote about the need for men to be more vulnerable in relationships.
The fact that there is some media coverage is good, and it would be great if the question of male mental health could get broader coverage in the future.
How To Improve Male Mental Health
Some stereotypes surrounding masculinity are harmful because they are incomplete. I do not see anything wrong with the idea that men could/should be strong. However, it is very unfair to both ask them to carry the burden of certain situations AND to bottle up their feelings about it. I think that, if we allow men to speak about their feelings, they will come out even stronger than many of them already are because they are relieved from constant psychological pressure.
It would be useful to normalize men sharing their emotions more. Simply understanding that your male friends might be hurting, even when they act strong, might cause you to dig a little deeper.
Also, some men actually might have no idea what they are feeling. It is to the frustration of many women that when they ask, “how are you feeling”, their boyfriend or husband replies, “I don’t know.” But it is possible they really have no idea, and they need an open, non-judgemental conversation in order to uncover what they might be feeling.
Men also do not like formal settings to talk about their problems. They much prefer informal ones. So it might also be useful to open up male-only spaces where men can come together to share a meal, play some games and talk about life. Perhaps a mix of young and old, so the old can teach the young, and the young can inspire the old.
Moreover, I think there should be a place for strong, responsible masculinity in the mainstream. As I said before, I do not dislike this stereotype, I merely think it is incomplete. For those men who would like to become very competent and strong beings, the mainstream is not a place they can turn to for positive role models. I think the rise of Andrew Tate, for example, is in part a failure of mainstream culture to provide positive role models for young men who seek to become powerful. Tate fills the vacuum, and although he states many useful things in his long-form content, he also has the power to steer young men to bad decisions with his more harmful claims.
In order to improve the mental health of men, it might be wise not to try to break existing stereotypes, but to add to the ones that already exist, and to create new ones where men feel left out.
Conclusion
It is time to take the mental health of men seriously. When many of them commit suicide, you can be sure that many more walk around with difficult darknesses in their heads. The only way to obliterate the darkness is by shedding light on it. By speaking about your problems, you are bringing them out in the open and allow others to help you. Many men like helping others, so perhaps we should sometimes return the favor and let other people help us.
I am not saying talking about your feelings will magically make all problems go away, but it will help you steer clear from the path of self-destruction, and onto a path where you, with the help of others, become strong enough to face the inevitable difficulties of life.
I think it's important to lay out some basic truths and refuse to give in to the jargon being forced down everyone's throats by that awful breed, public intellectuals of both sexes.
We're a pack animal species. We're hardwired to respond to hierarchy. Males and females have complementary roles that often overlap but which also have clear instinct-based specialization. Men and women are both physically strong but to different purpose; men have grip and weight strength and women have endurance.
Maleness and femaleness are desirable necessary qualities. Masculinity and femininity of temperament can range across both sexes; those are imperfect words really to define some things, but they are recognizable.
Men do very poorly when they don't have real work and valued skills. It was normal in average families that the dad taught his teenagers to drive. In divorced and reblended families, fathers often have no place or they've switched their attention and loyalties to new offspring/stepchildren and abandoned, for whatever reason, their own kids.
When I was growing up in the 50s, men and women had their own spaces for socialization; the women had their table games and the men had theirs; each sex could refresh itself in the company of its same members. Now people demand to do everything as couples and women, especially, get angry if men want a guys' night out. This is very unhealthy; it really does go against nature.
No earlier time in history was perfect; in a herd species someone is always a leader and someone is always made subordinate, and for humans, that often means that the designated leader, for example man of the household, might have lesser practical intelligence than his wife but reluctant to allow her decision-making power. Or a woman might be a talented entrepreneur but loathe childrearing.
Even so, trying to pretend that men and women are generally interchangeable, that a stay-at-home dad isn't somewhat diminishing his personal statusin sometimes very subtle ways, is lying. Marriages generally become very stressful if the woman is the higher earner. This is just nature. Courses in gender studies won't fix this.
Until we as a society across all the West toss out the nonsense of "gender doesn't mean sex" and recognize we are an animal species with certain indelible traits, that we invented civilization to self-tame but that's always an uncompleted job, everyone will suffer more and more badly. Individuals unhappy with stereotyped roles should be free to reject them, but individuals feeling naturally suited to those unfairly maligned stereotyped roles should feel no guilt for embracing them.
Education these days seems to be premised on exterminating the qualities of boy-ness as early as possible, and perhaps we need to reexamine the older wisdom of sex-segregated schooling where an individual child's temperament would better thrive there.
A big problem--no easy solution. In every society what benefits men often limits women and vice versa. The balance is never permanently, successfully achieved.